Cracker-Jack Box

"When You're REALLY good...

They call you, 'CRACKER-JACK'!

This page is loaded with my favorite jokes and tid-bits !

|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^| ||____

| B U D W E I S E R | ||'|" \,__\_.

|_...__...___________====|=||_|__|..,]

"(@)'(@)"""""""""""*|(@)*(@)******(@)

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to

the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!"

"Desperate For a Drink"

Roy walked in the front door of a bar, obviously drunk. He staggered up to the bar, sat on a stool, belched, and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informed Roy that it appeared that he had already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him.

Roy was briefly surprised, then softly scoffed, grumbled, climbed off the bar stool and staggered out the front door.

A few minutes later, Roy stumbled in the side door of the same bar. He wobbled up to the bar and hollered for a drink.

The bartender came over and, still politely but more firmly, refused service to him due to his inebriation, and again offered to call a cab.

Roy looked at the bartender for a moment angrily, cursed, and showed himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy burst through the back door of the bar. He plopped himself on a bar stool, gathered his wits and belligerently ordered a drink. The bartender came over and emphatically reminded him that he was clearly drunk, would be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police would be called immediately.

Roy looked at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cried, "Man! How many bars do you work at!"

THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU'RE BORED IN AN ELEVATOR ( I LOVE these!!!) --

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exit with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group hug!" then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,

without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Grinning, stare at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."

"The Art of Being a Bitch"

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way,

they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.

It means I live my life MY way.

It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak up against it, I am

defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being

everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who

I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.

By God, I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash

every ounce of beauty I hold within me.

You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.

I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

A Good English Joke

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, Sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."


	"When You're REALLY good... They call you, 'CRACKER-JACK'! This page is loaded with my favorite jokes and tid-bits ! \|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\| \|\|____ \| B U D W E I S E R \| \|\|'\|" \,__\_. \|_...__...___________====\|=\|\|_\|__\|..,] *"(@)'(@)"""""""""""\|(@)(@)***(@) "The Drunk" Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!" "Desperate For a Drink" Roy walked in the front door of a bar, obviously drunk. He staggered up to the bar, sat on a stool, belched, and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informed Roy that it appeared that he had already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him. Roy was briefly surprised, then softly scoffed, grumbled, climbed off the bar stool and staggered out the front door. A few minutes later, Roy stumbled in the side door of the same bar. He wobbled up to the bar and hollered for a drink. The bartender came over and, still politely but more firmly, refused service to him due to his inebriation, and again offered to call a cab. Roy looked at the bartender for a moment angrily, cursed, and showed himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, Roy burst through the back door of the bar. He plopped himself on a bar stool, gathered his wits and belligerently ordered a drink. The bartender came over and emphatically reminded him that he was clearly drunk, would be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police would be called immediately. Roy looked at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cried, "Man! How many bars do you work at!" THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU'RE BORED IN AN ELEVATOR ( I LOVE these!!!) -- 1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. 2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 3) Ask if you can push the buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones. 4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on. 5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" 6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" 7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. 8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. 9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play. 10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking. 11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exit with the passengers. 12) Ask, "Did you feel that?" 13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. 14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again." 15) Swat at flies that don't exist. 16) Tell people that you can see their aura. 17) Call out, "Group hug!" then enforce it. 18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" 19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?" 20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly. 22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. 23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope. 24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 25) Grinning, stare at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on." 26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space." "The Art of Being a Bitch" When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch. When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch. When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch. Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak up against it, I am defined as a bitch. The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I should be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. By God, I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that! So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed. And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it. B - Babe I - In T - Total C - Control of H - Herself A Good English Joke An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, Sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."